I interrupted, broke off my letter yesterday,
because the topic I found was too difficult.
because of the difficulty of the topic,
which nonetheless I feel I must not avoid,
I must see through to the end,
even at the risk of seeming foolish, absurd
or even insane.

The keyword is responsibility. The guideline removes the
responsibility, relieves me of the responsibility,
makes me irresponsible, in the way that the
official is irresponsible, has no responsibility
except to the law.
To subject the physician to regulation and guidelines
makes of him an official: Tell es erbarmt mich,
doch ich muss gehorchen.

I find it difficult to write about the responsibility
of action, especially in an environment of guidelines
which makes such action impossible,
and which makes a mockery of concern and responsibility.

I learn by becoming assimilated to that from which I learn.
I cannot make a decision until I have learned.
That from which I learn modified me, changes me.
The decision which I make, or which I seem to make,
in consequence of having learned, of having been changed,
of having assimilated that by which I am confronted,
is the right decision because I have sacrificed myself
weil ich mich daran und dafuer hingegeben habe.

Forget about "deciding".
Forget about "making a decision."
Forget about "free will."
The only "true" decision is to immerse myself in the uncertainty.
And I cannot immerse myself in the uncertainty unless I
accept it as uncertain, which means
to accept the fact of my not knowing what to do.

=====================

Historically,
the foci of ethical concerns have been
the integrity of the body and of the property 
of a person;
to these must be added
the perplexities engendered by society
and exemplified by officialdom.
A person who acts not in his own behalf
but in the name of a group, a committee, an organization,
a company, a government, a state, a nation.