Dear Cyndy,

Thank you for your letter. My protracted silence, for which I apologize,
reflects more than anything else my helplessness in confronting 
the complexities of the situations in which I find myself. 
I am emotionally, socially and perhaps also unwittingly intellectually 
over-extended.

"I am sorry about the recurrences of your auto-immune disease," 
is far too insipid a phrase to reflect my thoughts and my feelings.
I've written to you before of my wish that I could be your physician.
At the same time I recognize its presumptuousness in the context of
the helplessness which I share with my colleagues in pretending to
be able to ameliorate what I do not understand, with nothing to
contribute other than the admission of my ignorance.

You ask about my health. I'm trying to ignore the limitations of 
being eighty-four and a half years old as I sit at the computer
keyboard and spell out my thoughts. Then, when on account of the
arthritis in my hips and elbows and shoulders I'm barely able
to get up and walk, the question comes home to me: How long will
I be able to continue deceiving myself?

You ask about Margaret's health. She spends most of the day sitting
in her rocking chair sleeping or gazing into space. She needs my
help getting up from all sitting positions, on the edge of the bed,
in the bathroom, at the kitchen table, in the rocking chair. It's
only when she can't see me and doesn't know where I am, and panics,
that she is seized by a demonic spirit that drives her to get up 
by herself and start wandering about, sometimes even without her 
walker, looking for me.

We're more inseparable than ever. She's no longer able to go shopping 
with me, but waits in the car while I pick out what we need for the
ensuing 10 days. As I leave, I hand her a large, clearly printed sign
to display to anyone who might knock on the window to question her.
The sign bears the legend: "I am very deaf and somewhat confused.
I am waiting for my husband who is in the store shopping. If you
have questions, please telephone him. His cell phone is 617-548-5768"
When I return, she tells me how much pleasure she has taken observing
the comings and goings in the parking lot.

We separate only on the occasional day when I need to go to Nantucket,
such as next Wednesday, January 7. Then Klemens arranges his telephone
conference calls from our house, and plugs his laptop into my 
Internet connection to get some of his work done, while his mother
is sleeping. A week ago, December 27th, I had planned to be away
for two days to install the additional eight receptacle outlets
which Mr. Brendon Carroll, our new wiring inspector, had prescribed.
But Nathaniel, who was then at home, came with me. Much more agile
than I about getting down onto and up again from the floor, he installed
the required metal boxes in only a fraction of the time it would have
taken me, and we were able to return the same evening. Next Wednesday
I have scheduled another wiring inspection, and if my work passes,
I will then throw down the gauntlet to the Building Commissioner,
Mr. Butler. Here's the letter I've drafted:

Mr. Stephen Butler, Building Commissioner
Town of Nantucket
Nantucket MA 02554

Dear Mr. Butler,

Please be advised that inasmuch as I deem all legal requirements 
of the building code, the electrical code and the plumbing code 
to have been complied with and the relevant required framing, 
plumbing and wiring inspections to have been performed, I will begin,  
no sooner than 30 days subsequent to this notice,  to insulate 
the outside walls and the second floor ceilings of the above-
captioned building.

I repectfully note:
a) that the wiring was approved by the wiring inspector,  
Mr. Brendan Carroll, on January 7, 2015.
b) that the plumbing inspector's Mr. William Ciarmataro's Inspection 
Report and Condemnation Order of June 9, 2011, was reversed by a  
decision of the Massachusetts Appeals Court in 2013-P-1536, 
and that in consequence of a Hearing on August 6, 2014, 
the Board of State Inspectors of Plumbers and Gas Fitters 
failed to identify any plumbing deficiencies requiring to be 
repaired by a plumber,
c) that you yourself inspected the framing in November 2008 
and found no deficiencies.

If you require judicial confirmation for the foregoing assertions,
please so advise me. Thank you for your help.

=====================

This morning Nathaniel left for a week in Philadelphia where he has
arranged to be tutored, - of course in conducting - by some local
musical guru of whom I had never heard. Then he will return to
Bloomington, Indiana for the final four months of his two years'
master's program. The incessant criticism of his exuberant spontaneity
has been a demoralizing experience for him from which he may never
recover. When he arrived two weeks ago for Christmas vacation he
announced that next summer he would move to Bulgaria where his
Bulgarian girl friend Radina has garnered some low-echelon United
Nations position. He has no idea whether he will find an orchestra
to conduct or even to join with his trumpet playing, whether he
will find students to teach trumpet or even English ... He has no
idea, but has apparently taken my advice, before making any permanent
commitment, to make a preliminary trip to ascertain the possibilities
and practicalities of finding work. Instead of coming to Belmont, he
will spend the two weeks of his spring vacation in Bulgaria. We must
all proceed as way opens, even when that way seems impenetrable.

When I expressed my concerns to Laura, my daughter-in-law, Nathaniel's 
mother, she encouraged me with a story. On his trip to Germany two
years ago, Nathaniel suffered the embarrassment of having his credit
card devoured and retained by an automatic cash dispensing machine,
leaving him without money in a strange foreign city. It's like a fairy 
tale: Nathaniel opened his trumpet case, took out his trumpet and
started to play on the sidewalk. Within fifteen minutes he had collected
seventy Euro, sufficient to defray his immediate expenses to take him
where he needed to go. I find it a story too good to be true; his
mother is confident that Nathaniel's charisma will see him through
all the difficulties of his life. I'm not. I'm a pessimist, and I
worry.

Time now to take Maragert downstairs to supper, and to tell you
an affectionate good night.

Jochen