Peter,

Klemens' letter to Alex which I copy below without being authorized
do so, will provide you with a valuable perspective: 

=============================================================

Dear Alex,

I was extremely angry at you over the weekend. Now, I am just exhausted 
and indifferent. I considered it my prerogative and my responsibility 
to schedule and organize a memorial service for my mother. I do not need 
a memorial service, I did not want a memorial service, but I understood 
that other members of the family did, and I wanted to fulfill my 
obligation to them. If there were to be a memorial service, I imagined, 
perhaps incorrectly, that it would be important to the people who needed 
the service that I attend. If I were to attend, it was important to me 
that I should determine its form, and to the greatest extent possible, 
its content. I was unable, because I was emotionally undermined by my 
children, to produce the memorial service on the somewhat rushed schedule
dictated by Janet and Rebekah, and proposed holding a service sometime 
in spring or early summer. You told my father that this was not 
satisfactory. You took it upon yourself, without consulting me, 
to make other arrangements. I was profoundly hurt. You may have 
interrupted your efforts in deference to my fury, but I understand 
Peter Bingham, as Janet's proxy, to be doing the same thing in his 
correspondence with my father. I refuse to read it.


Benjamin and Laura tell me that I do not own the memorial service, 
that it is "about Margaret, not about you." That is nonsense. 
My mother is DEAD. A funeral is for the survivors. I understand now 
that I should have paid more attention to Janet's need to get the event 
out of the way, to accomplish this task, to be shrinky, so that she can 
die. Perhaps you feel the same way. I am sorry that I am selfish, but I 
am. I consider what has happened to be an expropriation of my experience 
which is not susceptible to restitution. Burying one's dead, I hardly 
need instruct you, is the most personal matter. (When Ben Spock died, 
his second wife danced on the roof of his hearse as the cortège drew 
through San Diego; I can only imagine his childrens' feelings. 
Baby and Child Care, folks.) I cannot now attend any memorial for my 
mother, even if I were to organize it. On Sunday, I made arrangements 
to be on call for the three day weekend including January 17, so that 
there should be no question about whether I were physically able to 
attend the memorial service. If the service is rescheduled to another 
time, I will also be on call, or out of town.

My mother was amused when a Catholic patient described attending Mass
on Saturday afternoon rather than on Sunday morning as "getting it out
of the way." I suggest that you get my mother's memorial service of
the way on January 17.

You are now probably angry at me, but I am, I reiterate, just exhausted.
I plan to dissolve myself in the details of my work. I feel the genuine
affection and regret in your two emails, and I apologize deeply for being
so angry; I literally, in several senses, cannot help myself. I remain
very fond of you. However, I do not wish to discuss this matter further.
Please leave me out of it.

Klemens

===============================================================, 

I will not attend a Memorial Service without Klemens.

In the context of the foregoing letter, I see no possibility in
the near future of a "Memorial Service" which Klemens and I would
attend.

Jochen