1/7/16
Dear Jochen,

Out of our respect and love for Margaret,
and the affectionate, loyal person that 
she was, Anne and I are arranging a service
in her memory on Saturday, the 30th. We would 
be very happy if you could attend.

My address is 78A Cedar St in Sharon and 
the time of the service is 1 pm. If you think you will
come and if you want to say a few words to the gather-
ing, please let me know at 781 806-5356.
                              Love,
                              Janet

PS. After I wrote this note I learned that you
and Alex had spoken together on the phone.

==========================================

January 12, 2016

Dear Janet,
 
In today's mail I received your invitation to the Memorial Service
for Margaret that you and Anne have scheduled for 1 p.m. on January 30.
I would very much like to be there and I shall come if I am able.
The hindrance, as you may understand, is an emotional one. Since she 
died, during my waking thoughts have been incessantly focussed 
on my memories of Margaret, at night my sleep has been punctuated by
dreams in which she appears to comfort me until the rude awakening.
Under those circumstances, I'm not sure I can maintain a composure
which will not disrupt the gathering. I'm practicing equanimity.
I'm trying hard to learn to control my feelings.

Since Margaret died, I've started to think of my life as palindrome,
almost seventy years, from May 10, 1946 to January 30, 2016, in which 
my vision of her, the monumental parenthesis of my existence, dominated 
my life; these years of fullfillment were anticipated by perhaps five 
years of adolescent yearning, to be followed now by perhaps an equal
number of years - who knows how few or how many - of senile expiation 
and remorse.

One reason I very much hope to be sufficiently composed to attend the
memorial service, is that I experience it as a posthumous divorce from
Margaret that I may not ignore, a divorce facilitated by yourself as 
representative of your family. I believe Margaret is symbolically being 
taken away from me as punishment for the insufficiency of my "respect 
and love" for her, for my lack of recognition of "the affectionate and 
loyal person" that she was. For never having brought her flowers, for 
never having sent her a Mother's Day card, for never, until her dementia, 
having told her that I "loved" her, for never having bought her diamonds 
or sapphires, for never having taken her to a Harvard-Yale football game, - 
never mind the Red Sox -, for never once in the 63 years of marriage, 
having had a birthday party for her, not even ever having sung "Happy 
Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, dear Margaret, 
Happy Birthday you!" You can't possibly make up for 63 years' neglect 
in a single afternoon.

Margaret told me of her fateful - and in retrospect calamitous - decision
to marry me in a letter dated January 16, 1950. Now almost 65 years later
to the day, you as her "personal representative", as the surviving family
member who, as you have pointed out, had known Margaret longer than anyone 
else, have decided to rescind Margaret's commitment to me, and by inviting 
me to your memorial service, you have asked me to endorse your decision. 
"I do!" That's what how on March 8, 1952, I answered Pastor Steimle's question.
"I do!" It will make me feel better to consider it all, the marriage, 
the death, the memorial service, everything, life itself, a Hallowe'en prank. 
When I appear at 78A Cedar Street in Sharon on January 30, I will persuade 
myself that my marriage to Margaret was an alcoholic delusion - too many cocktails - 
but that I was in fact attending a memorial service for Margaret Hameson, 
Mrs. Leo Hameson, no less; that Margaret had in fact realized her impending 
mistake in time to prevent it.

Here's the template for my phantasy. On September 8, 1948 Leo wrote:

"Margaret dear, I strong feel the urge to write after this happy
weekend we spent together ....

P.S. It might be a good idea not to communicate latest dev'ts
to Janet . . . this would be an unnecessary and uncomfortable 
and unnecessary perspective if our relationship solidified. - 
This decision is for you to make, however."

So let's pretend their "relationship solidified" and January 30, 
instead of a mournful memorial service, is the happy day of Margaret's 
wedding to Leo, and Margaret has asked you to be her bridesmaid. 
That should spare you the embarrassment of having to introduce me 
as your brother-in-law, you can just refer to me, as did Alex at the 
memorial service for Priscilla as "a friend", or perhaps, even more 
truthfully, as "I don't know who he is."

Dear Janet, I don't know whether I can control my feelings enough 
to come, but please feel free to rescind your invitation, I won't
be offended, and it's the safe thing to do, because if I come it's 
possible that I may say might say what's on my mind.
 
Truth and love are not mutually exclusive, and from me I want you 
to have both to the extent that I am able to give them.

Jochen