d201227_00_from_Nikola.eml Subject: A letter-poem to Christian Lin, whom I hope you will presently meet From: Nikola Chubrich Date: 12/27/20, 04:26 To: Ernst Meyer Look sir mind if I call you sir? it must be a little ironic, this sir I call Dr. Meyer real sir and you might just want to call him sir too but I like the sound of calling you sir I realize sir mein ironischer freundsir Kris (Kelvin? but you haven't read Solaris! Read it IMMEDIATELY) that I shouldn't be writing this late well, I began writing the letter to Mr. Fredie, by way of a letter to Dawn Harms, conductor of the Bay Area Rainbow Symphony and it just poured out she taught me to play violin ten times better and one thing that came out is what gay is and what gay isn't lesbianism is morally uncomplicated it can't go wrong male homosexuality can, because of sodomy, and this age thing anyone over 30 should not be sexing with anyone under 21 PERIOD and there is a reason sodomy is a crime in makes people shallow and cruel frankly I can see it happening to Chris Lim he used to be a delightful person a poet-pianist but see him now and you'll realize that he has a stick up his a$$ that he wants someone to shove up there \further it makes him prissy and not nice sodomy is a civil right but a very bad idea older men bonking young men is NOT ok and shouldn't be legal there was this sodomite in the Bohemian Club who was an absolute mensch I mean I loved him! after I got out of the Langley-Porter Psychiatric Maniacs' Club (that hellhole where I had to beg a kangaroo court for my freedom) I went straight to the club, and my God that hug he gave me he picked me up in the air he was a very strong man and whirled me in the air my God I felt like a human being almost for the first time in his life but one couldn't help but note that he was 43 a puer aeternas (he looked about thirty) (I guess I come across a bit young too, but that's because my maturity has been retarded.....and as lushen would say, that's retarded) and all of his boyfriends were exactly 19 and he had a sex dungeon in his apartment so that I find weird and unhealthy and sub-optimal in my ideal society the cutoff is 21 because when it's 19 people slip right down to 18 and 17 and 16 I remember there was this extraordinarily good-looking Chinese named Ben Wei my year he had a massive physique (rower) and yes, you'll be glad to hear that for aesthetic reasons he used to smoke and everyone on campus admired him from afar, because he was the most handsome person there period and he married an occidental woman and became a successful surgeon and cranked out seven beautiful children so something's still possible in America the second most handsome person there was a chain-smoker named Eugene Hwang and the third that buffoon Eugene Auh, whose face caught on fire and was a chain-smoker too and who I think, the bastard, now that I understand human sexuality since I am no longer a stunted human being, solicited something like ~KE4 from me (I haven't calculated the Krafft-Ebbing numbers yet) he did this by talking about ~KE4, and then slyly looking at me, and then furtively darting his eyes away at the end of the encounter, he also submensally solicited a hookup what would have happened if I had taken his bait I now perceive say I had opera tickets to watch the DIVINE opera of all time Die Frau Ohne Schatten Strauss's atonement for causing the slaughter of World War I worth every drop of blood just as the Metamorphosen are an adequate lamentation for the spilled blood of the Second the Oboe Concerto is a paean of thanks to America to the better America that used to exist before it was sodomized and the four last songs justify every slaughter in human history and justify life itself by describing death so you see nothing bad has happened in all of human history, mein freund Kris I was abused so that I could figure out the classical mechanics of human leptons what a delight all these traps are! well we have a debt of tears that's it have I met the Taoist? I think perhaps I have but thank God, not yet the monk but when the monk meets up with the Taoist, I shall gladly depart this Earth and this means, dear Chris that I would like Dr. Meyer to live to 100 and perhaps it is right for me to die in ten years would you mind? I can't imagine life without him Xueqin will probably come (he's the monk) and then I'll follow him out or is it possible you're Xueqin? am I now out of the Land of Illusion and in the real world, Chris? everything that is happening now seems impossible well, thank God I never took Eugene's bait for I would have come to his apartment after the bliss of Die Frau and, as in the coda of the first movement of Mahler's seventh The Symphony of the Night Fallen back to hellish earth When I discovered that Eugene expected me To share his bed Now, I by no means mind sharing beds Lushen and I did it when we had to I'd even share a bed with Mark! I well remember those nights, keeping to our various sides, occasionally toe-tapping in the night and then fuzz-fuzz (more formally: Spanky) would come in meowing at 4 am or when I road-tripped with Greg, and we'd share the bed, and Ichigatsu the cat would walk over our faces, because he had been in a carrier all day and wanted to play so I don't \mind sharing beds though I prefer king-sized (there was the time I shared one with Brian Kang too) (and though Brian Kang, being Korean, was utterly insane, was entirely right to me. He was a Christian. That helps.) But Eugene Auh is not a Christian I perceive with my inner eye that his power network runs on fellatio he is surrounded by male Monica Lewinskies the term "sucking up" is not for nothing and they all go in, one thinks, immensely attracted to him, whether they are gay or not because he is or was and probably still is, a powerfully attractive man and he knows how to play them like a harp, like the harpie he is and they all go out having paid for this twisted love with a feeling of disgust and humiliation thank God I never stayed in touch with him well Chris, wherever you end up working get a hidden camera, and give me a video clip of your boss I shall be able to tell you if they are ~KE7-seekers or ~KE4 ~KE4 is survivable if one grits one's teeth (ugh: there an ugly thought comes to one) but ~KE7 will destroy you so here is one benefit to having been abused I know this stuff and thoroughly understand it admittedly, it is all topology and circuits, all theory, because I have *never* done any of this stuff, and, it goes without saying, never will but it really is all just the topology of circuits and pluts that's just one section of a very interesting paper coming tomorrow and Steven Chen turned out not to be so $nooty after all try to meet him when you're in town, and see if you can suss him I think maybe he just doesn't trust Occidentals perfectly understandable that's probably all there is to it poor fellow has hit the yellow ceiling with a thud, that one with his physiognomy, he ought to be a film star not in this country well, anyway, I was lying in bed, ready to fall asleep and I was thinking, frankly, of \you now most of the time I think of Dr. Meyer Or rather, I think of what's on my mind To say to Dr. Meyer strangely enough, this does not help me fall asleep at all what was agreed with Dr. Meyer was that I was going to read Plato and Kant before dealing with Milton Academy and then you just know the presocratics are going to get in there, and, and, and, Kierkegaard, and...... the only acceptable action in Meyerlandia is to sue the plumbing board he really does follow the principle of least action I mean I do too! but see he's never been abused so he has trouble seeing how horrific it is David's cat Statler died He must have been an old cat David is despairing he could die any day Not of a broken heart, but of a heart That has forgotten it exists last time I saw him, he was smoking SO much drowning his sorrow in smoke trying to make it attractive, which on an epsilon-delta basis, he did, but holistically, it only made him look self-absorbed (smoke is an oracle) (shall we get some joss sticks?) (that's healthier) anyway I was thinking of you, because you're a far better lullaby than Dr. Meyer is and I was breathing quite rapidly which smoking does to you in the dark dark which speaks of death and I just want another ten years for me and Dr. Meyer that is all and I want to be his servant that is all and yeah we will find ways to hang out too you don't have to be his servant but why not be his servant too? there's plenty to do in Meyerlandia Chris you could do whatever it is you want to do on the side you'll get so fast at stuff that it won't matter that you spend half the day bowing and saying sir and washing plates or whatever it is I think it would be idyllic, frankly you're never going to have one one thousandth of his ability to think just as I won't have it so being his servant is the next best thing and yes, I am going to send this to him and he will critique it but I will wear him down just as I will wear him down on Namibia and ultimately he will triumph I will honor my parents I will honor him I will honor him I will honor the Ecumenical Observer (what people have been calling God: that's in the paper too) so there I was, lying in bed, breathing fast, my throat raw and I thought you know what I really like? life and I thought: you know what I really like? breathing and I thought: you know what I really don't like? inhaling smoke and a small despair crept upon me what if the colitis rears up again? I'm already taking Uceris, an oral steroid locally absorbed the next step is Prednisone, and you don't want to see me on Prednisone it's worse than the disease, almost maybe I really am Alexis the nurse Michael said: he's not a bleeder but I am, Chris, I am I bleed in the place the sodomites want into me but I no longer fear them taking control of me you know how I know? a man, a plan, a canal, an enema I picked up my enema, and for the first time in my life, it felt like an objective topological operation I feared no sodomy and so I'm healed from that can you pray that I be healed of Colitis, Chris? Xueqin? Bao-yu?