September 28, 2022 Dear Benjamin, Thank you for your letter, to which I reply, as is my custom, without deferring what is on my mind. After I have finished this letter, I must explore a black hole that intellectually, morally and administratively constitutes our government. Last December, the IRS informed me that I was credited with having purportedy overpaid my income taxes by ten thousand dollars. Yesterday I received a letter which ignored that credit and charged me with penalties and interest for having purportedly underpaid my taxes by eight thousand dollars. It's a problem that I can deal with. Not as bad as being put in jail, drafted into the army, or elected to public office. In the context of the pseudo-religious allusions to Christianity in the essay on the family which I wrote as a member of the 12th grade at Germantown Friends School in 1946, you ask about my religious convictions at the time. I have no memory of contemporary documentation of my thoughts and feeling. I remember being embarrassed and distressed that economic considerations forced my father's "conversion" to Christianity. At the time the Lutherans welcomed him with an opportunity to practice medicine as a "medical missionary", while he was ostracized from the Jewish community for having married a gentile. I think often of the forced conversion of the Spanish Jews under Ferdinand and Isabella. Although as its name indicates Germantown Friends School to be a religious institution, except for the one hour per week course on "Religion" for which they could find no other teacher than the principal, Mr. Burton P. Fowler, religion received no mention in our classes. We read Milton's Lycidas rather than Paradise Lost, and not single verse of the Bible. I haven't done my homework, but so far as I know the Society of Friends, known as "Quakers" - because their religion made them quake, rejects virtually all Catholic and Protestant dogma, all music all painting, all stained glass and all the other appurtenances conducive to piety. For one hour each week, if I remember correctly each Thursday, all students from the higher classes were herded into the Meeting House to "meditate" for 60 minutes, in total silence. At age 16, my understanding of "Christian ethics focussed on the "Sermon on the Mount", Matthew 5: 1 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him: 2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. 5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. 6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. 7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. 8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. 9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. 10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. 12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. 13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. 14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. 15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. 16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. 17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. 18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. 19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. 21 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: 22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. 23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. 25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. 26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing. 27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. 29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: 32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. 33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths: 34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne: 35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King. 36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. 37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also. 41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. 42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. 43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. My argument was, and still is, that all this, if it is to come about, must start in the famiy, at home. March 3, 1950 113 Lakeview Avenue Cambridge, March 9, 1950 Dear Margaret, Surely I am doing stupid things tonight. I had made up my mind to spend the whole evening working; instead I spent over an hour practicing Bach and Mozart on the violin, and now instead of translating Aeschylus or writing an essay on peanut butter, or revising my paper on Zwingli, I find myself writing to you again. I have so very many things to say, because most of my strength is spent in thinking thoughts which I have no other opportunity to express. Many of them, no doubt, are too vague and too immature. Often the feeling comes over me that my study of literature has been nothing but an attempt to flee from my own conflicts, to take shortcuts around obstacles in my way, to find in the printed words of others solutions which I have yet to find for myself. As for my fellow students in literature, I cannot help feeling that they are working under a great delusion and that the patterns of their understanding are very unreal. Sometimes I think that my hunger for comprehensive knowledge is an insidious affliction and that I should learn instead about small and simple things. Sometimes I am very happy to be able to go to medical school next year, and to learn to work patiently at something which will be very difficult. Thank you for your letter. You are too good to me in this respect also. You must not say that I look disparagingly upon your religious leanings. I try very hard, you know, to understand them, and if I fail, you should try to explain them to me. I have the impression that they are the expression of a very great need, and my criticism is not of the need, but of the frantic effort to fill it. The church is a lake designed to receive the living word of God, but it has cut itself off from is true source. It is a stagnant lake, and the suns of science and rationalism have beat down upon it so steadily that the water has almost all evaporated, and the spring is cut off, because faith in God has been almost wholly replaced by faith in human things, - physical science, social science, psychology, progress, and the greatest happiness of the greatest number. What a little water remains among the scum and the weeds is polluted. You cannot drink that! You will get sick if you do. To quench your thirst, you must go back to the pure spring, which comes from the mountains above. For my part, I would rather die of thirst in my search for the source, than to attempt to drink the dirty puddle of water from the bottom of the lake in the company of such a multitude. I do not think that I am overweening in my desire. I do not despise the poor people drinking out of puddles. I would help them, if I could. But they do not need either you or me; they need someone who can lead them into rediscovering the spring of their lives, they need someone who will show them the canals they must dig in order that the lake may be overflowing with pure water once again. Sometime in the future, and it will not be long, because men cannot live without water, God will send someone who will lead the people back to him, but until he does, each of us must search, in so far as he is able, to come closest to the source on his own paths, and all that I am saying is that I think I see a better way for me than yours. And since I think that what is good for me is good for you also, I must at least tell you about my thoughts. There will be all Bach chamber music concerts on Monday, Thursday, and Sunday of the week of your vacation. Surely you will not be here for all three, but on whatever days you happen to be here, there will be tickets for you, and we can go, unless you have something better to do. You know about the duality which exists in my mind concerning your plans. On all the weekdays I shall be at the library until 5 p.m., but in the evenings I should have at least a few hours time for you. I must do work now. Do not write more often than you can comfortably spare the time. For me, you know, writing is a kind of recreation and a satisfaction and is so necessary, that if ever I had nothing to write, I should have to invent something to keep myself happy. Good night Jochen * * * * * * Konnarock, Virginia December 27, 1950 Dear Margaret, It is midnight now, and I cannot tell whether it is today or tomorrow. I wish I could go to sleep, but I know that if I tried, it would be in vain. I wish you were here, so that I could talk with you, because I have done all the work I can do today,-it is still incomplete. Writing to you is the next best thing, because while it will not make me relaxed, still it will occupy the time between now and sleep. - But it would be so much better if you were here - -. This has been a strenuous day emotionally and spiritually, - it has been too long, - and Margrit, as though it had not been long enough, is still listening to the Magic Flute. I wish everyone had gone to bed and left me alone with the palpable night. Outside the creek is murmuring just as it did last summer when I wrote to you at this desk, - but much, so much has changed since then. Beside the creek, in the cornfield at whose edge blackberry bushes used to grow a prison camp for Negro laborers has been built. - I knew it would be there when I came home, but it was too difficult to speak about in anticipation. Now that it is there, at least I can use the realistic description to veil my emotions. Most humiliating of all is that the camp has been built on the land of the church, - it is a five year lease, and I believe the rent must be some multiple of $30 a year, - in silver. Ironically the prison is immediately adjacent to the new church which is being built, - but no one is aware of the irony. The camp consists of four gray barracks, a watchtower, and a high fence. The convicts are transported to and from work in wooden boxes mounted on the backs of trucks. There they sit on planks - like brown parrots in a cage. It is said that the prisoners are treated "well," - although the story is told that upon refusing to work some of them were once hung by their heels. - You see, I write you concerning all this, because I dreamed it last night and in writing of it perhaps I can avoid dreaming of it again. Probably you will think my exposition tasteless and inappropriate, - I know of no one who would not, but then I'm not asking you read it. I'm merely writing - -. Where the corn used to grow and where we went swimming many summers many years ago, the barracks stand now, and the smoke from their coal stoves drifts into the house. There is asphalt paving, and all the bushes - the blackberries and the elderberries, - in the vicinity have been cut down lest they protect any fugitives from the guns on the watchtower. At night the yellow lights glow behind the boarded windows, and the roof of the huts is silvery in the light of evening. Sirens are blown at various times during the day, - otherwise there is no noise from the, - except when occasionally, like tonight, the surging of confused voices, - saying I don't know what, - mingles with the moaning of the creek. - What shall I say else? Can you understand what I am trying to say. - I know of no one who does, although I like to think that perhaps Dostoevski was able to say what I feel, - and therefore he must have been able to understand it, - must he not? Have you ever read his notes from Siberia? If I were you I would say that they speak to my condition. The grey buildings of the camp against the bare trees and the leaden sky, - what else would Siberia be? Why must I be in Siberia? Poor Dostoevski, how he must have suffered! Do you remember the story of the Grand Inquisitor in the Karamazovs. I am beginning to understand now. - If Jesus lived today, where else would he be, if not among the prisoners. - But if you tell that to anyone, they will laugh, - how naïve is not human nature! They pacify their consciences either with the pragmatic arguments or with self-deceptions, - in the one case saying that it is the only possible solution, and the other that it is the best thing for the prisoners that can be done. - I cannot even speak to my family about these things - they have too many more pressing worries.... But you see I cannot go to church anymore, at least not here, because since the convicts have come, God can hardly be expected to concern himself with the righteous, particularly since church and prison camp are adjacent, and he surely cannot turn his eyes away from the camp as lightly as do his most vociferous worshipers. For none of them loves him as do the convicts; and any one prisoner loves him more than all the righteous put together. Not only is this true because the prisoners need him so, although doubtlessly this is some relation to his love, but also because he suffers much on account of his humanness, and whatever a man does because he is human, he does because he loves God. The others love God only because he promised them eternal bliss,-and some of them even think that the "holy" life has earthly rewards. But which of us loves God enough to go through hell on earth for him? No, - who loves him enough to be willing to suffer hell for eternity for his sake? Hell, they say, is separation from God - but that which one loves, - must one not lose it, - and that which one would preserve, must one not throw it away? They who love themselves will desire eternal life for themselves. - But what can he who loves God ask more than eternal separation from him. Dear Margaret, - do you forgive my writing all these things of which I do not know whether they are true or not. That decision I leave to you. I can only ask questions and learn to ask them better. But the answers are in your power, and you must not despair or be unhappy over my helpless questioning. Very probably I shall see you as we planned. I think of you very often, and I hope that my thoughts may not be too great a burden for you. Good night. - I wish I knew what you meant to me, - I know only that it is very much. Jochen It turns out that as the years pass,I discover myself more and more to have become a DIY do-it-yourself theologian. I persuade myself that to distinguish between Judaism and Christianity, and to purport to turn them against each other, is to understand neither. Moses is my hero, because when he hid Jahwe inside the burning bush, he protected Him against all the Disneyland visitors