July 31, 2023

I hope you feel better. Earlier this evening you wrote: "I don’t know when I will next feel able to come next door, except in the event of a physical emergency. I am considering whether to offer Nathaniel and Sabine a subsidy of up to $4,000 a month of my own money, withdrawn prematurely from retirement accounts if need be, as long as Sabine is in law school, to pay for housing somewhere else."

I am always glad to see you, but I am never hurt, not to speak of being angry, if you don't come.

I hope that Nathaniel and Sabine would like to stay here.  I understand and consider it natural that if they are living here when I die, my death will be a relief to them. When they moved in, 19 months ago I promised them that they could have use of the house as if it were their own, but that the possibility of my moving to a nursing home was not negotiable.

I remember seeing Sabine in the past year and half on three occasions,
a) some months ago when Nathaniel came with her for a brief cordial visit,
b) about two months ago when Sabine knocked to set an electric fan into my room, and 
c) three days after their wedding when I was invited downstairs to meet and have tea with Nathaniel's friend from Augsburg. 

Since last autumn when Nathaniel and Sabine started to use a third floor addition bedroom, both of them (and the dog) have been commuting between the first and the third floor through the old part of the house, where, although I use a bathroom there, we have never encountered each other.  If I met Sabine on the street, I would not recognize her, and when I encountered Sabine's sister who was staying here for a week, on the spiral stairs, I mistook her for Sabine. Except on one occasion when Nathaniel informed me of their going to Nantucket but without the date of their return, and on another occasion when he old me that they would be going "to New Hampshire" for the day, I am never informed of their going and coming. Occasionally when he barks, I know that the dog is here.

Every day between noon and 2 p.m. Nathaniel brings me a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee. Occasionally he tells me what is on his mind. Usually he leaves as quickly as he can. When I need groceries, I send Nathaniel an e-mail, and he delivers them a day or two or three thereafter. Since he has not complied with my request for his bank account and bank routing numbers, for about three months I have not reimbursed him.  My daily brief encounters with Nathaniel and your visits comprise my "social life".  I have adapted to it.  I'm comfortable and have no complaints. I feel no loneliness.

My respectful suggestions are:
a) that we encourage Nathaniel and Sabine to continue living at 174 School Street
a1) to save money,
a2) to make it possible for me to help Nathaniel when he is disturbed to the extent that I could be of help to him.

At the same time I understand that Nathaniel and Sabine might be made uncomfortable by my personality and would find it worth $48000 a year to get away from me. I would try to understand, and I would not be offended or hurt.

I think much about you and Mommy. I worry about you. And I hope that you feel better.