UNCLE FRED COMES TO DINNER
I love parties said Henry. I like parties too, said
Madeleine. Madeleine is Henry's sister. I like coloring
the invitations, said Henry. I like making the decorations,
said Madeleine. I like to hear the door-bell ring and and
to see my friends come in one by one to wish me Happy
Birthday. Me too, said Madeleine and she punched Henry in
the stomach, not hard, but just hard enough for him to know
that sometimes she liked him and sometimes she didn't.
Everything was fine until they had the big party.
Until the big party, Madeleine and Henry thought that all
parties were fun. Now they weren't so sure. The big party
was a party for grown-ups, and that was the trouble. If it
had been a children's party, Henry and Madeleine and
everyone else would have had a good time and then everything
would have been all right; like a birthday party, with
balloons and funny hats, with games and a cake with candles
for Henry to blow out, with presents piled up on the living
room floor, and echoing from the walls, a loud and
boisterous Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Henry, Happy Birthday to you.
But that's not at all what it was like. because it was
actually a party for grown-ups; and when the very important
guest had said good-bye and pulled the heavy front door shut
behind him with a bang, after it was all over, as they were
washing the dishes together, Henry's father said to Henry's
mother: "Maybe it was a mistake to have the children there.
They were much too tired. They should have been in bed."
And that made Henry feel even worse.
The big party was a party in honor of Uncle Fred, who
wasn't Henry's uncle or Madeleine's uncle at all, because he
wasn't Mommy's brother, and he wasn't Papa's brother. For
all that Henry knew, Uncle Fred wasn't anybody's uncle.
Uncle Fred was an uncle because he was a very important
person, and it was because Uncle Fred was a very important
person that Mommy and Papa had arranged a party for him.
The door bell rang. Mommy asked Papa to open it. And
there stood Uncle Fred, pushing his way into the living room
like an elephant. Henry fluttered out of the way as if he
were a startled bird. He hid behind the curtain in the
dining room. "I hate Uncle Fred," Henry said from behind
the curtain and he said it so clearly that Uncle Fred heard
it and flinched.
Papa was upset that Uncle Fred should have heard Henry
say that he hated him, so Papa said in a very loud voice:"
- 2 -
Frederick, it's so good of you to honor us with your
presence. I hear that you have been made Chairman of the
Board: isn't that wonderful," and Uncle Fred smiled his
broad smile from ear to ear that made his face light up like
a Halloween pumpkin. Madeleine, however, didn't think there
was anything wrong with telling Uncle Fred how she felt
about him. She said in an even louder voice. "I hate Uncle
Fred even more than Henry." Then Papa said louder than
anyone else: I hear that you have been made Chairman of the
Board: isn't that wonderful," and Uncle Fred smiled his
broad smile from ear to ear that made his face light up like
a Halloween pumpkin.
Mommy brought in the casserole and the vegetables and
the salad, and they all sat down at the table, Henry and
Madeleine along with the grown-ups. Mommy explained to Uncle
Fred, "Henry and Madeleine have excellent table manners,
that is why they can eat at the table with us adults. All
the while he was eating, Henry kept trying to figure out how
it was when Uncle Fred was made Chairman of the Board.
Henry knew all about boards; he knew that when when trees in
the forest are cut down, they are taken to the saw mill and
sawed into boards, and he understood that boards could be
sawed and planed and sanded to make chairs, but Henry
couldn't figure out what they had done with the boards and
what they had done with the chairs when they made Uncle Fred
the chairman of the board.
So Henry said, "Uncle Fred, I want you to take off your
clothes. I want you to take off your clothes right now."
Henry's mother was startled. She had a wild look in her
eyes. "Henry," she blurted out, "what makes you say such an
awful thing. Never ever tell anyone to take off their
clothes." "But Mommy," Henry protested, "you tell me to
take of my clothes every night, before you put me in the
bath tub." "Excuse us, Frederick," she said, "remember
Henry is just a child." "I am not a child," Henry said. "I
AM NOT A CHILD." I want to see the board and the chair that
they put in Uncle Fred when they made him the Chairman of
the Boards.
When he heard Henry refer to him as the Chairman of the
Boards, Uncle Fred smiled his broad smile from ear to ear
that made him look like a Halloween pumpkin. "My child," he
said, turning to Henry, "A chairman of the board is a very
very important person." "I am not your child, I am Mommy's
child I am Papa's child. I AM NOT YOUR CHILD." After that
there was silence; there was nothing more to say. Mommy and
Papa and Madeline and Uncle Fred and Henry continued to eat
the casserole, the vegetable and the salad. Henry ate
faster than all the rest, that is why he was finished before
anyone else. Henry stood up on his chair. His mother was
surprised and his father was surprised but Uncle Fred was
- 3 -
not surprised because very important persons are never
surprised, and Uncle Fred was a very important person; and
Madeleine was not surprised because she knew exactly what
Henry was going to do. Before Papa had a chance to say a
word and before Mommy had a chance to say a word, Henry was
standing like a statue right in the middle of the dining
room table. "Henry!" said his father. "Henry!" said his
mother. Uncle Fred didn't say anything. He was getting
worried. Madeleine didn't say anything. She just giggled.
"I," said Henry standing on the white table cloth in
the middle of the table between the casserole and the
vegetables, "am a very important person. I am the chairman
of the board." "Henry, please get off the table
immediately," said Mommy. "Henry, please get off the table
immediately," said Papa. "Henry, you have the right idea,"
said Uncle Fred. Uncle Fred was pleased, because he knew
that Henry understood how important it was to be important;
and how important it was to be the chairman of the board.
"What are you going to be when you grow up," Uncle Fred
asked Henry, because he expected Henry to say that he would
grow up to become the chairman of the board, and that would
have made Uncle Fred feel important. Because although Uncle
Fred was already a very important person, a very important
person can never be important enough. "Babar," said Henry.
"What", said Uncle Fred. "Babar" said Henry. Uncle Fred was
becoming worried. He thought that Henry might be making fun
of him. "I asked you what are you going to be when you grow
up." "Babar," said Henry. At that point Mommy thought that
Uncle Fred might be getting angry. Babar is the King of the
Elephants." she explained. Uncle Fred could not believe that
Henry would want to grow up to be an elephant even if that
meant he could be king of all the elephants. "You mean to
tell me," said Uncle Fred looking straight at Henry, "that
you plan to grow up to be an elephant?" Henry looked right
back at Uncle Fred, he opened his eyes very wide and nodded.
Henry looked Uncle Fred straight in the eye. "I hate you,"
he said, and then he added very slowly, very slowly, "and I
am going to kill you."
Mommy shuddered and Papa shuddered, but Uncle Fred
shuddered most of all, because Henry's words were hard and
sharp like a knife. Uncle Fred put his hand on his chest to
make sure that Henry had not already done it. "Time out,
Henry, time out for you," said Papa. Papa tried to make his
voice sound angry, but Henry understood very well that Papa
loved him too much ever to become angry with him, no matter
what he did. Papa stood up from his chair and stretched out
his arms to snatch Henry from the middle of the table where
he was still standing like a statue of the chairman of the
board. Henry knew that Papa would carry him upstairs to
Henry's room, and would sit with him, sometimes next to him.
Henry knew that Papa felt worse, much worse than he did, and
- 4 -
he felt sorry for Papa and sorry to have made Papa feel bad.
Henry liked time out, because Henry liked being with Papa.
Today, however, time out was a disappointment, because
Uncle Fred was downstairs and Uncle Fred was a very
important person, and very important persons don't like to
be left alone. So Papa went back downstairs to attend to
Uncle Fred. But Henry felt bad that it was more important to
Papa to spend time out with Uncle Fred than with Henry. When
Papa wasn't there, Henry couldn't feel sorry for Papa. When
Papa wasn't there, Henry could feel sorry only for himself.
So soon after Papa had gone downstairs to attend to Uncle
Fred, Henry, feeling very sorry for himself indeed, got up
off his bed, quietly, like a cat stalking a mouse, and
quietly he went down stairs, easing himself gently from one
step to the next so that no one would hear him, and he
didn't stop where the dining room was, but went down a
second flight of stairs into the basement. He dragged one of
the chairs that stood down there over to the shelf on which
Mommy kept the cans of soup, the jars of pickles and the
bottles of ketchup.
Henry took the larger of the two bottles of ketchup,
and tried to snap open the top. It was sealed with a paper
label which Henry easily tore off. He opened the hinged
white lid of the bottle and watched how, each time he
squeezed, the red tomato paste would well up from its
container. Silently as he had come down, he climbed up the
stairs. When he got to the kitchen he paused, because his
heart was pounding and his hand was shaking. He poked his
head into the door to the dining room. All of them,
Madeleine, Papa, Mommy and Uncle Fred were sitting just as
they had been when Henry had stood up on the table like the
statue of the Chairman of the Board. Henry opened the lid to
the ketchup bottle; he held it to his cheek as if it were a
gun and pointed it at Uncle Fred. He slid the bottle
against he jamb of the door and held it there with his left
hand, while the other, the right hand, flew through the air
and landed, like a knockout punch, smack on the side of the
plastic container.
It wasn't a very loud pop that they all heard, not much
more than the sound of a cracker accidentally stepped on.
The plastic top of the bottle had blown off, hitting Uncle
Fred squarely in the chest, and behind it a thick stream of
ketchup that looked like blood, a streak that extended over
the carpet, over the chair's upholstery over the table cloth
and became a bright red star on Uncle Fred's starched white
shirt. At first nobody said a word. Not even Madeleine
giggled. Then Papa jumped from his chair and dashed toward
Henry as if to rescue him from some enormous danger. Henry
had started to cry, soon he was screaming. He was sure that
he had killed Uncle Fred, and that in no time the police
- 5 -
would be here to take him to jail, away from Mommy, away
from Papa, away from Madeleine and that he would spend the
rest of his life alone. "I didn't mean to do it, I didn't
mean to kill Uncle Fred," he sobbed. "I'm sorry, I promise,
I promise I won't do it again." "You didn't kill Uncle
Fred," Papa's voice said, it was wonderfully reassuring,
"You didn't even hurt him. Uncle Fred is all right, except
for being angry at you, and for that I can't blame him."
Papa was right. Uncle Fred WAS angry, he was very
angry. Madeleine was there and heard every word of the
conversation, but Madeleine said nothing at all; she didn't
even giggle. Now Uncle Fred turned to Mommy and said
sternly: "Not only Henry ought to be spanked; the mother and
the father ought to be spanked too, for letting Henry grow
up like a weed. Time in, time out: what kind of foolishness
is that? And if you don't spank him, I will." Mommy was
worried. "You will not touch Henry," Mommy said firmly. "He
is my child." Then he voice became mild, almost soothing.
"But with as much ketchup as you are carrying on your shirt,
you won't want to do much of anything until you get cleaned
up. I'll show you were the bathroom is, take a towel and
washcloth and a clean shirt, and you'll feel much better."
All this was said with grace and affection such that
far outweighed the indignity that Uncle Fred had suffered,
and when he had put on the new shirt and tie that Mommy had
given him, Uncle Fred felt so much better that he even asked
to go upstairs to say goodby to the villain.
Henry was lying on his bed, still sobbing, when Uncle
Fred came in. "I am sorry, I'm very sorry," Henry said, I
promise not to do it again." Don't give it another
thought," said Uncle Fred. "It's good preparation for the
stockholders' meetings." Before he left, Uncle Fred said,
"Between us, there is a score to settle. Ketchup it shall be
at twenty paces. I will come back." But he never did.
* * * * * * *
Back to the beginning
Next
Index